The Ambiguous Sexuality Of Sasuke & Other Tales
by Letter to Miss
Summary: Not everyone is going to love everyone, but really, did they all have to fall in love with the wrong people? Hopefully, their therapist will survive the whole ordeal. A collection of romantic and not so romantic moments. Odd couples abound.
1. An Introduction

The Ambiguous Sexuality of Sasuke & Other Odd Tales

As Narrated by Jonathon Shale

An Introduction

If you are looking for a love story, you need to head back to bar, down a few beers, and then try again. Now, if you are looking for a _written_ love story, oh please, you can simply waltz back over to the search button. I'm just saying. On the other hand, if you not entirely looking for a tale of a perfect-hah-love with plenty of steel abs and improbable sex acts, but you would enjoy to see a mildly interesting group of people stumble around blindly, flailing their arms, and hoping that they hit that one special person, discovering that there's more than one of those, and wondering what in the world everyone else is thinking, you have reached your destination.

Now that you have made it to the second paragraph, you will be introduced to our **C**ast of **V**arying **D**egrees of **S**ympathy, **CVDS**- that is pronounced cah-veds -for short. Note that there is a very high chance that you will not like some of these characters. I dislike a fair few myself. I do hope you will give them a chance beyond this brief introduction, however. It's only fair.

I believe that you are all aware with the source material, a ridiculously long running manga series by the name of _Naruto_, correct? It is with this titular character that I will begin the introductions with. Naruto Uzumaki is a blonde, blue-eyed boy who is one of the few characters in the series who looks as if he has _ever _stood in the sun for more than five minutes. He doesn't know when to shut up, and he rarely has any inkling of knowledge as to the romantic events swirling around him. He _is _very well aware of the lack action occurring in his ninja village, however. Oh, and his parents are dead and stuff. I didn't really want to mention it, since it's become a rather humongous cliché, but hey, a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do, right?

Naruto's best friend and rival is Sasuke Uchiha. A few years ago, they got into a bit of a fight, and Sasuke left to sort out his priorities for a while. Those priorities were somewhat skewed, though, but since his genocide plans didn't pan out like he wanted them to, he took a trip to a ninja hospital to again, figure out his shit. A few months later, he returned to Konoha as a mostly recovered mental patient. He still retains his antisocial tendencies, and he is not held in such high regard as he used to be. This is a side effect of going bat-shit crazy on his hometown. On a side note, he really should see someone about his hair. I don't think I could live with hair that unnaturally angles itself to one side and never looks like anything but a bad case of bed head. I guess I am in the minority here, since many male members of the CVDS are stricken with this epidemic. Oh right. His parents got killed, too. This screwed him up a little more than Naruto, though, if you haven't noticed.

Sakura Haruno can never make up her mind, and when she does, her choice is generally the one that will cause the most grief. Whether she does this on purpose is unknown. It might have something to do with her pink hair or her remarkably large forehead. This may cause the bouts of violence she gets sometimes, too. She has been torn between the same two guys for _three years_, which I think is completely and totally ridiculous, but your mileage may vary on that one. I feel like it's necessary to add that she is a large tea drinker, too, and she enjoys talking to her friends about her problems in the local teashop.

Unfortunately, Ino Yamanaka often finds herself caught in some of the same situations as Sakura. With her habit of explaining her feelings in a vague, roundabout way and being a siren of mixed signals, it is no wonder that she leaves most people in a whirlwind of confusion. It doesn't help that she enjoys wearing the minimum amount of clothing required in the ninja guidebook. Since there has been a general deficit of mass murderers lately, she can be found working her parents' florist boutique when she isn't spending time with her good friends and teammates, Shikamaru and Choji.

Choji Akimichi is, to put it frankly, fat. He insists on being called "big boned," but I will not be taking him up on that offer. Narrators get special privileges, after all. Choji is extremely loyal to his best friend, Shikamaru, and the type of soul who will take a lost puppy home just for the sheer goodness of it. He is never seen without some sort of snack, mostly the ones grocers try especially hard to sell because the shelf life lasts _forever_, and no one wants to stare at that gross stuff forever. Seriously, once I bought this Twinkie, and it did not age a bit for the eight years that it sat under my bed. I threw it away when I found it.

If Shikamaru Nara could lie on rooftops all day, he would do it if his spiky ponytail didn't stab the back of his head. Shikamaru is incredibly intelligent and incredibly lazy. For a few years, he learned to shoulder responsibility, but in this lapse of nefarious activity, he has fallen back into his old ways. He usually can be seen being troubled with social activity-as it _such a drag_-and the complications it ensues, or discovering shapes in clouds.

Sai is a painter who defines the phrase "socially awkward." If you thought that Hinata, Sasuke, and Lee were bad, just wait until you meet this guy. He's not entirely original in his insults-who makes penis jokes besides eleven year old boys?-but he gradually has begun to discover that he can be a douche. His brutal honesty can be a gift, though, but it generally works against him.

Hinata Hyuuga is the byproduct of bad communication and worse luck. After confessing her unrequited love to Naruto, she was ignored for a couple of months and became very depressed and not a little reclusive. He remembered her with a few jabs from Shikamaru, however, and they dated briefly. Only two months of bliss were Hinata's until Sasuke slipped back to town and Naruto slipped out of her fingers. Three months later, she is still dangerously in love with him, but has been afflicted with an even more crippling shyness.

Kiba Inuzuka, Hinata's teammate, has snapped a tree in half with his teeth when he has gotten angry. Which happens a lot. Nearly anything will irritate him, particularly anything involving Naruto Uzumaki. He cares deeply for his dog, Akamaru, his vintage parka, and his fellow teammates. Impulse is the reason behind most of his actions, but oddly enough, he rarely regrets them.

I do believe that Shino Aburame qualifies as the most mysterious of our entire cast. Even I don't know much about him. Really, all I can tell you is that he doesn't talk much, doesn't feel much, and has a terrifying way with bugs.

Rock Lee wears a green body suit, legwarmers, and a fanny pack, all while sporting a bowl cut of ludicrously shiny black hair. If it turns out that he didn't fall out of an 80s exercise video, I promise that I will become your average third person omniscient narrator and leave you alone. Really. Anyway, Lee is remarkably good at what ninjas call "tai jutsu" but we call it kung fu. He has an odd sense of humor and is very forward about his feelings. He admires his sensei, Guy, greatly, but he currently is focused on a very different goal.

TenTen only has a first name, which is an obvious reminder from the author of the original work that she is not important. I feel a bit sorry for her, so I will try to make her a little more of a real character, but only if it's okay with you, of course. She used to be attracted to pretty boys until she had a particularly memorable epiphany in which she realized that she is not a main character, therefore no one who is mildly attractive in the eyes of the general public will fall for her. Therefore, she has lowered her physical standards and found herself a target that is not out of her reach.

It's odd how in all of our CVDS, it is Neji Hyuuga that wins the prize for best hair. It is longer than any of the girls, and somehow he doesn't have to put any work into it. Neji spent most of his youth playing the whole you-can't-change-fate-unless-you're-me-and-sneaky-about-it game, but then Naruto called him on it, and so he came out of his philosophical closet. Neji tends to be a bit smug and has what could qualify as an inflated ego. He truly wishes the best for his friends and encourages their relationships, though.

Ayame works at the local ramen shop. She always has the best of intentions, but when she deals with long days and her boss constantly sending her creepy at best letters, she has a temper almost as short as Kiba's. This girl doesn't really believe in love. She can't help but feel an inexplicable attraction to a boy who passes by her shop every day, despite her conclusions on the whole messy feeling.

Kakashi Hatake has become a father figure of sorts to the young ninja. He also functions as therapist, mentor, and occasionally a stand in for whoever is unavailable at the time. A sigh always escapes him whenever one of the teenagers begins to babble at him about their problems. He would much rather read his porn book, but to be honest, who wouldn't? He tends to put up with the young people, though, as he is acutely aware of his days as a hormone addled teenager.

With that mountain of exposition out of the way, I believe that it's time for their stories to begin.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: <strong>I am having way too much fun writing this. It's very different from what usually write, and I hope that it is enjoyable for you, too. Any concrit would be appreciated. Thank you so much for reading!


	2. Hinata's Underwear

Hinata's Underwear

(In Which John Finds It Amusing To Overuse The Word "Frolicking" And Muses On Piñatas)

In terms of modern technology, Konohagakure lagged far, far behind the rest of the world. It resembled more of a first class third world country rather than, say, Tokyo or Osaka. The town boasted one movie theater, sinks, bathtubs, ovens, and a few bridges. Very rarely were the ninja introduced to things purely of the present day. There had been a sighting of a gun, a camera crew, and Team Seven even almost got hit by a train. Sometimes I wish it had hit them, but that's another tale for another story.

It was this lack of technology that will cause the events of our story. An honest question, though, what in the world have the Hokages been thinking when they look at a Sears catalogue? "Oh, look, washing machines! There's the letter _e _in machine! The letter is in _e_vil! Therefore, washing machines are evil! And they will be..(I bang a hammer on my desk, just for emphasis.) BANNED!" It could've been something like that, or maybe "The Roommate" just came to Konoha's theater. Really, though, that only made me wary of Laundromats, I still never condemned them. A dead cat in my laundry just does not appeal to me, but it doesn't seem too likely. Some people, on the other hand, may find it a little sexy, but fortunately, I do not belong to that minority.

On an early September day, Kiba and Akamaru were frolicking in the forest. They vaguely resembled Bambi and his mother-Kiba was Bambi, and Akamaru was his mother, to be precise. A few flowers, who were the final survivors of springtime, still hung onto dear life in chilly autumn air. They still got a kick out the huge rash that Kiba was developing, though. It was a rather nasty rash. I am so glad I don't have allergies. How do you people even survive? I'd have to be drugged up on Benadryl just to leave the house. Anyway, Kiba was starting to realize that his fingers were beginning to swell up, and Akamaru was growing a tad bit nervous for his not so wise owner when a fierce gust of wind swept through the village. All of the frolicking had distracted Kiba from the storm brewing overhead, and he reacted just the way any teenage boy with terrible allergies and a habit of snapping things in half would: by throwing his fist into the tree next to him. And without further ado, tree began to topple over.

Thankfully, the trunk narrowly avoided messing up Kiba's carefully gelled hairdo, but the its branches smacked his ruddy cheeks like a PMSing girl in a catfight-those are _hilarious_, by the way-and as the tree crashed into the forest floor, a pair of women's underwear was blown into his face.

Let this be a lesson to all of you. No matter what it looks like, the tree always wins. Trust me. I know from experience. Once upon a youthful time, I was flying a kite in this field by my house, and it got stuck in a tree. I am not the most adept of tree climbers, but I attempted to shimmy my way up the trunk regardless. Just as my fingertips began to grasp the edge of the kite, a bird shat on my head, and I tumbled from the tree. I'm not fond of being shat upon, you see, and I was very shocked and dismayed by the mere presence of bird shit in my hair and on my forehead. So my fall was perfectly justified. And that tree was a bitch. So was the bird.

When that pair of underwear slapped into Kiba's face, he reacted quite a bit like I did when that bird shat on my head. He blinked a few times into the white fabric. He sniffed like a boy who really wished that he had born a dog, and then pulled the underwear off his face and stared at it intently. Though this was not the occasion on which he had hoped to see them, he was still awestruck by the mere presence of this particular girl's undergarments.

Drops of rain had begun to fall. On the other side of town, which was not too far away from the forest in which Kiba and Akamaru had been frolicking madly, Hinata and Hanabi Hyuuga darted from clothesline to house. This is why Konoha needs to get some dryers, or get over its fear of Laundromats. "Hey, sis," Hanabi shouted over a particularly angry wind that was incessantly howling at the two girls, "your underwear's gone!"

"Oh dear," Hinata muttered to herself. She threw a pair of pants under her arm. They were rather ugly pants. She shouted to Hanabi, "It'll be fine! Let's just get the rest of these clothes inside!"

Kiba knew the owner of this pair of remarkably ordinary panties. What he didn't know, however, was what in the hell they were doing blowing about in the woods. What _I _would like to know is why in the hell was Kiba out frolicking when he had nose plugging, rash inducing allergies and didn't bring at least a bottle of drugs for it, but I guess I'll have to live without the knowledge and just be grateful I'm not an omniscient narrator. Those people don't have souls, I'm telling you.

Another thought wormed its way through his blood vessels, his nerves, and into his not so large brain. That little thought began to boil, and Kiba's teeth began to clench, and Kiba's fists began to clench, and then yet another tree slapped him in the face as it plummeted to the ground. This last vengeful act of nature sent Kiba sprinting back to town with Akamaru in tow.

He did not stop until he crashed through Shino's front door. If a half crazed boy wearing a vintage parka with a bear of a dog smashed down _my _door, I would have had half a mind to kick him to the curb, and the other half to dump a pot of hot coffee on his treasured _thrift store_ jacket. Doors are one of my favorite things; I cannot stand to see the abuse some people will put them through.

Shino had been sitting cross-legged on his carpet when his front door went flying to the opposite wall. "Hello, Kiba," he said.

"That sick bastard!" Kiba growled, plopping onto the floor beside Shino. His best friend handed him a pillow from the couch and watched as Kiba punched his pillow like some people bludgeon a piñata. It always feels wonderful to be the first to snatch a broken Snickers bar. However, I'm very pleased to tell you that the village of Konoha and their ludicrously strong herd of ninjas have still not heard of this rather entertaining Mexican-but-originally-started-in-China tradition. I always enjoy a piñata. I prefer the aftermath of the beating, though, as I'd like to think myself better than poking a cardboard donkey with a stick just for a handful of taffy or something like that. Also, I would like to inform you that Shino's pillow, which was a rather hideous shade of green, did not have a secret stash of candy. If Kiba had ran to Choji's house, on the other hand, he would find himself crushing at least ten dollars worth of sugary goodness with each punch.

I apologize for interrupting the dialogue like that. These little asides are important for your.. knowledge of the planet Earth. I'll come up with a better reason later, I promise. They keep me entertained, so I hope you aren't bored by them. I think _I'd_ become bored if I had to dictate the events in such a dull matter that my own opinions and experiences were shoved to the side by such unimportant things as _character development_ or _plot_ or any number of ridiculous things that many people choose to ignore when penning a piece of fiction mildly featuring romance. I'm so glad I don't have to narrate the sex scenes. Don't worry-you won't be kept in the dark. At the least you'll get a discretion shot.

Let's continue with Shino and Kiba's conversation, shall we?

"Whose underwear is that?" Shino asked.

"Its…its…" Kiba attempted to speak through clenched teeth, but it sounded more like a particularly bad lisp.

"Hinata's," Shino finished.

"Yeah," Kiba sighed. "And guess where I found it?"

"The woods."

"Shino, how do you know _everything _I'm about to say?"

Shino's sunglasses, which he wore nearly all of the time with no regard for the weather, acquired an odd shine only seen in comedy and horror anime. "I have my sources."

"Right." Kiba shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at the floor. "And I guess you were right, too. About her getting back together with Naruto."

And would you take a look at that! Almost half a page of straight narration!

Shino cocked his head to the side, and then mumbled in his usual monotone, "I never said they'd gotten back together…"

"What?" If Kiba had _actually _been a dog, his ears would have perked up. I suppose he'll just have to be happy with wishful thinking.

"She just wanted to be involved with him again, but I'm certain the feeling isn't returned by Naruto."

"That doesn't mean he couldn't have gotten bored! He's such an asshole that I bet he took advantage of her-!"

"Desperation?"

"…of her desperation. For him. Oh, my god."

"I think you should ask Hinata about it."

"Why would I ever do that! She'd probably just run away blushing or something. You saw how she got that one time Kurenai tried to give us the whole 'the breadstick and the oven' speech."

"Kiba, some risks have to be taken."

"You don't understand how hard it is to ask Hinata about these sort of things!"

"One: have you ever tried to ask her about anything involving the one boyfriend she's ever had? Two: do you want to lose her to Naruto again?"

The two boys stared at each other intently. Oddly enough, neither of them happened to be gay, as they usually turn out to be in most stories featuring homosexual relationships, just incredibly good friends. I really don't know with Shino, though. He's still a mystery to me. A drip of sweat had begun to slip down Kiba's forehead. I would have offered him a towel, but Shino's friendliness apparently did not extend beyond pillows. I'm afraid to say that for once I wholeheartedly sympathize with Kiba, but for reasons that I can't tell you yet. Oh yes. The final cliffhanger line. Are you shivering with anticipation?

"Well _fuck_."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: The opinions voiced by Jonathan Shale do not necessarily represent my own opinions. Thank you.<strong>

And here is the first tale of many. I will definitely be posting the love chart in the next few chapters, and maybe even some music for your ears. I have a little bit of an issue with updating, though. My parents are divorced, and my internet only works at my dad's house, so updates will be a bit farther apart. I hope this isn't an issue. Thank you for reading!

Your moment is in:

"Underwear" - The Magnetic Fields (http:/www. youtube. com /watch?v=n2Uf1uN8haI)

Oh, and a quick question to the audience. How do you HTML links into your story? I'd like to be able to link to pictures and videos, but I have never been able to figure it out in all of the years I've been on . Again, thank you!


	3. Opening and Closing Windows

Opening and Closing Windows

(In Which Ino Goes Through Boyfriends Like John Goes Through Cups Of Coffee)

The movie had been terrible. Shikamaru was never one for art house flicks, and for some odd reason, Konoha seemed to be showing nothing but them lately. Shikamaru preferred slasher movies, but it didn't matter what type of movie he had just ignored. The images flashing across the screen had been incomprehensible, but the way they lingered on Ino's features.. That was a sight he couldn't bear to drag his eyes away from.

Well, I tried to narrate like a hopeless romantic, or more specifically, in a style I wouldn't be surprised to see my wife writing, and that was way, way too sickening. I'm feeling ill simply typing this. I hate those moments where fictional characters are being happy and in love without anything really interesting going on. In real life, I could call myself a fan, but this? This is just ridiculous. You can rest assured, though. I will spice things up.

They made out through the credits. A small, naked, and orange man danced a jig across a scrolling list of actors that no one will ever care about. Unknown to the extremely hormonal teenagers, the back row was home to Kakashi Hatake, a village Jonin among other things, who sighed and opened his large book of extremely unlikely sexual positions in a tropical setting. I've been trying to remember the name of that book. It certainly looks funnier than the Lifetime movie of the week. Or at least better than your average teen comedy, which I suppose is what I'm narrating. Oh, I think I'll have to forget that last statement. It makes me feel like another cheap, disposable character picked out of the copy machine's trashcan. That's where they find the characters in those movies, you know. You can fit their life stories on half a sheet of paper.

When Kakashi saw tongues begin to fly, he immediately stood up, picked his way through the rows of spilled popcorn, and tapped Shikamaru on the shoulder. The boy glanced up and the sweat inducing thought of public service was instantly on his mind. Kakashi only nodded, like the vague and not entirely verbally helpful man he was, and continued on his way home. He finished his porn book for the sixth time that night.

Shikamaru and Ino held hands as they strolled back to Shikamaru's house. Ino was thinking about how she was missing out on her midnight snack. Shikamaru was thinking about sex, mostly, which despite his reputation as a nice guy, he still thought about a lot. He was a boy, though, and this was to be expected. In fact, it was very shocking that Ino did not have the finer points of life on her mind, as well. According to my wife, girls think about sex a lot, too.

They tumbled onto Shikamaru's bed. He really should've made his bed that morning. I know it's a _huge _amount of work to pull up the covers and smooth the pillows, but don't doubt my words. When you bring a girl or a boy home, your standings with them will shoot over a rainbow if they slide onto a blanket before hitting your springy mattress.

Shikamaru had never had sex before. Ninja lived a very depraved lifestyle, you see. There simply was never enough time to get around, gain experience, or at least experiment. This is why I am grateful for my years of public schooling. There was always too _much_ time for sleeping around, it seems now. I admit it. I was not the chastest of teens. The celibacy club wanted my head on a stake. They never got around to doing more than spray-painting my locker and making bathroom stall lists. I suppose my best friend and I did nothing to dissuade this, and we maybe even egged them on, but the rage on their faces was too priceless to pass up. It was like watching the old man who always yelled at you to get off their lawn be rendered speechless when a dog casually strolls over and lifts its leg over his perfect ocean of green. I hate those types of people. They're the ones who hold their dreadfully boring lives against everyone else. They could at least _try _to make things more entertaining for themselves. They could take a vacation, rob a bank, or at the very least take up synchronized swimming.

He just couldn't get enough of Ino's mouth. Kissing her was to Shikamaru as eating chocolate was to Choji. Even though what was underneath was not a new sight, he began to slide off her shirt. There had been many a day when Shikamaru would be arriving at Ino's house to pick her up for a mission, and he'd catch sight of her dropping her towel onto her bedroom floor. It wasn't his fault-or so he said. Ino had either no sense of modesty or was clueless as to how she could lower her blinds. Shikamaru was okay with that, though he was ashamed to say so out loud.

The shirt was almost over her head when Shikamaru woke up.

Hah.

He got out bed, sighing in resignation, and refusing to pull up his blanket. He punched the door on his way to the bathroom. _Seriously_, Shikamaru? It was a perfectly nice door, too, and it was only doing its job. I understand the frustration, but why take it out on the door? You know what. That's karma for you. No sex dreams for door punchers.

In the street below, Ino was holding the hand of an original character whose name really isn't important, because he won't last too long anyway. We will just call him X, and he was a tall and impossibly skinny boy who didn't enjoy slasher movies or the color red.

Ino kept glancing up a Shikamaru's window with a slight frown on her lips and her hand in X's. When his face didn't appear, which it wouldn't, naturally, since Shikamaru was just beginning to wash his hair. He really should never take it out of his ponytail. I hate mullets.

And so with no sighting of Shikamaru, Ino took X to a house a few blocks over. He was more of a handbag than an actual human being. She craned her neck to look in this new window, and quickly averted her eyes when she caught a glimpse of Sakura's face. Naturally, she dragged X back in the direction of Shikamaru's house. Why she would want to look at Sakura's face is more mysterious than Shino to me. Besides having a forehead as tall as the empire state building, the pink haired girl despises coffee, which only makes me,,_dislike_ her even more. I also hate that she can never make up her mind, but really, the coffee thing gets me the most. Maybe I'm being a little too unfair here. Sakura is not _ugly_, per say, but she'll never be Miss Konohagakure, either. I'm afraid that I must apologize for my biases. My wife could possibly discover another one of my lines of work, and in my eyes she is drop dead gorgeous, so I cannot possibly call any of the women in this story attractive, understand? It's not too big a deal, since I'm sure she'll appreciate my musings on Sakura.

Shikamaru pulled his sopping wet hair into a ponytail. Then he grabbed a gun from under his pillow, marched to Sakura's house, put the barrel gun to her temple, and pulled the trigger. I'm just kidding. That was wish fulfillment on my part. I must apologize for all of this hatred of Sakura. She just bothers me quite a bit. You don't have to worry about my prejudices affecting the _story_, honest. I'll try to narrate around the most egregious of my biases. I'll get better as I get more used to narrating the lives of other people.

Finally, we're getting into the format that the introductory chapters skipped! I know, I _know_, I should've lumped this in with the mountain of exposition in "Introduction," but I truly did forget. In this tale and the following ones, we will end with a segment I like to call "Kakashi Puts Up With Too Much," but the editor likes to call "Therapy."

Shikamaru glanced out his window, sighing as he pulled his shirt over his head. Ino caught sight of this from the street below, and promptly dumped her twenty-minute boyfriend. Well, maybe they'd been together for more than twenty minutes. Twenty hours, maybe? Hold on; let me grab the plot outlines.

Oh. I was only a little off. Three days. Right. Well, it doesn't really matter now that she's left him. Shikamaru, still unaware of the goings on, stepped onto his front porch. He was fully dressed, thankfully. Having a ludicrously high IQ (Okay, I hate using parentheses, but the website my editor publishes on obviously holds something against footnotes. But onto my real point. Did the author of _Naruto_ really have to give him such a stupidly high intelligence? We could all agree that he was smart without having the whole "IQ over 200" thing. How many people in real life have gotten that high of a score on the genius scale? Like two?) kept him from making the mistake of forgetting an article of clothing or three, which many normal people, myself included, have found themselves making. So so far, so good. He had not embarrassed himself in front of Ino yet. She stood only across the street. The stakes were high. He stepped off his porch and onto the grass, and took a quick survey of the scene. A strategy was begging to be made.

X was sobbing and Ino was beaming in Shikamaru's direction, which was always a good sign, though knowing her and her ways of messing with his head, it would not last for long. He gave her a slight wave, smiling back. Would today be the day? Would his dream come true?

He knocked down the fucking door. So _no_.

He tripped on a bump in the road. Ino's smile faltered, and Shikamaru's shower was transformed into a waste of time. Covered in dust but only a little shaky, he stood up. Smiled again, but she didn't smile back. "Wouldn't it be so _convenient_ if this was all just a dream, too?" Jonathon smirked at his computer screen.

"No!" the editor snapped, banging her head on her keyboard.

Sorry, I couldn't resist it. I just really wanted to refer to myself in third person and also give you some more insight into the publishing process, really. I'm shocked that this little exchange didn't get cut. Maybe she thought it was funny, too.

"Are you okay?" Ino asked.

"I'm fine," Shikamaru replied.

"That looked kind of rough," she smiled and then snickered, "and you fell flat on your face."

"Right," he swallowed. "Hey, are you doing anything later?"

Oooh, brave.

"I'm going to lunch with Q, but I'm free later."

"Oh." Shikamaru resolved to ask Choji about this mysterious new boy, mysteriously named "Q." "Q" was not his real name, of course, but like X, he's not important. He _does _like slasher movies, though, so I think he will last a little bit longer at Ino's side. I'm not entirely sure, though. I'd have to run through the outlines again to check, but I'm afraid that that does not appeal to me at the moment.

"At four? Training grounds?" she smiled. "I'm getting a little out of shape, I think. It's harder to work out when there's no psychos running around."

"There's always psychos running around." Shikamaru returned her grin. "But yeah, let's meet there."

Therapy

(Kakashi Puts Up With Too Much)

"Shikamaru? What brings you here?" Kakashi glanced up from his porn, sighing as the teenager plopped onto his couch. The boy could've knocked, at least.

"Naruto told me that you were a good listener," Shikamaru said tentatively, "so I walked here."

"Well." Kakashi had to have been laughing on the inside like I'm laughing on the outside. "So you want to talk to me."

"Yeah."

"So talk."

"I don't really know where to start."

"How was your day?"

"It was terrible. First Ino dumped her boyfriend in front of my house, so I though everything was going great, ya know?"

Kakashi had no idea that a break up was such good news, but he nodded anyway and turned to the next page of his "erotic literature."

"But then she got with another guy during lunch, and then when I hung out with her a couple of hours ago, she just went on and on about Sakura. I don't know what's up with women. They're so troublesome."

"How high's your IQ?" Kakashi asked.

"A little over 200. Why?" Shikamaru's eyes brightened.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi stood and patted Shikamaru on the back. He gestured towards the door. "But that's not going to help you here."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: <strong>Again, Jonathan doesn't represent my viewpoints. I'm so sorry for the delay. I really need to get my router fixed over there. On another note, if anyone is interested in helping me by being a beta for this story, could you send me a PM? I'm afraid that my proofreading is not as good as it should be.. Even if you don't have the time for beta reading, any constructive criticism would be appreciated. (:

Your moment is in.

http:/ silent-warning. /art/ The-Map-215325793  
><strong>The Love Map (details all of the relationships of the CVDS, might be essential if you forget things easily. I need it a lot of the time.) <strong>


	4. He Carried a Long Stick

He Carried a Long Stick

(In Which Jonathan Must Become A Fifteen-Year-Old Boy. Again.)

Neji was seriously considering walking in on Shikamaru's training, bumming a smoke, and then using it to light his own training field on fire. For some bizarre reason, Guy was going to be focusing on TenTen. Not Lee. Not Neji. _TenTen_.

While now and again-actually more than now and again, more like three or four times a day-Neji liked to focus on TenTen, too, but he had not been anticipating the sheer ridiculousness that his teacher had dreamed up to suit her needs. Guy was not the brightest of green bodysuit wearing men, but he certainly could qualify as the most creative. I'll give you a hint: he had a large sack with three rather immense sticks poking out. Sorry, I'm getting into the spirit of this story. It's hard to reprise the role of an immature fifteen-year-old boy once you've grown out of it. Besides, life wasn't too much fun when I was fifteen. I didn't even meet the celibacy club or have my first real girlfriend until the year later. Life went uphill from there.

Lee, Neji, and TenTen each were handed a stick. Guy's grin stretched across his face as the three began to develop rather bewildered expressions. Needless to say, they had never handled such large _poles_ before. Look at that, synonyms! I felt like the word "stick" might become too overused for your observant eyes, but I'm afraid that I won't ingest a thesaurus for you guys. I'm not that devoted.

I should explain myself and a particular sentence in the above paragraph. Marie, my wife, occasionally manages to rub off on my writing style. She really likes rhyming, you see. Some days it's very poetic. She'll just be staring out the window, and the words will come flying out. "The bird, it sinks/life flashes by/yet it doesn't think." And then there are the days when she spews some really dumb shit. "John is being boring/but thank god he's not out whoring/I'd punch him to the…flooring." I do not spend my free time in brothels, thankyouverymuch. Besides, if I did, I think I would have to stick to my moral code and leave my wife. I don't have too many qualms about misleading my fellow men, but I grew out of my sleeping around phase in college. It would just feel shameful, like that feeling that you get when mistake your science teacher for you mother or mistake your science teacher's widening waistband as sign of a baby on the way. Definitely doesn't qualify as a pleasant feeling, does it? Okay. I had to clear that up. I'll take you back to the story.

"Hey, Neji, mine is bigger than yours!" Lee squinted at his stick. "But I am not completely sure. Would you like to compare?"

I feel filthy just typing this.

"Sure," Neji said with a smirk. I admit that he's improved a bit from his holier than thou persona featured pre time skip, and he's gotten better, but not by much. I almost feel like following suit with other parodies and portraying him as a "surfer dude," but that would be betraying the editor, who would like to keep our CVDS a just a tad closer to their original personalities. Not that I've never betrayed the editor before, but this could be taken as a serious offense. Do you really want me to lose my job? Yeah, that's right. Neither do I.

Neji's Byakugan lacked a few key features, most notably a tape measurer. It was not the Swiss army knife he imagined it to be. Therefore, they had to measure things the old fashioned way. Each boy held his stick out in front of him, glaring at it with an oddly hopeful sort of scrutiny. Just as they were beginning to do the good old pinky estimate trick, all hell was broken loose by a single shout.

"Slap it!" Guy shouted.

Training had begun.

With a blush, Lee whacked Neji's stick with his own. TenTen whirled between every once in a while in a bizarre hybrid of ballet and usual ninja antics. Neji was taken with the way she moved, like a dancer, twirling with each jab of her weakening stick. She wasn't very effective, of course. She's a girl in the Naruto world-did you expect her to have self esteem or a chance at winning? I don't quite remember how this battle ends, though. You'll just have to wait and see.

Lee was sweating profusely. Neji was sweating, too, but only slightly less. TenTen, well, she was a fountain. The girl had an odd gene that caused perspiration to pool up rather generously during activities such as dancing or jabbing people with sticks. For some odd reason, she became a ninja despite her _condition_. Neji didn't mind the sweat, though. In fact, he found it quite sexy. He found TenTen to be quite sexy as a whole, actually.

Rock Lee, on the other hand, found Neji to be quite sexy. Especially while brandishing such a large stick and sweating like he was running a marathon. Oh god. I wish that this chapter were over so I can bathe in hand sanitizer. I feel so fucking_ filthy _right now. Thank god this is just an introduction to this trio of, um, stick brandishers? If only they all wore green latex, it'd be so much easier to classify them. "TenTen!" Guy shouted over the sound of poles being whacked against one another. "Strengthen your grip!"

TenTen flashed a panicked glance at her teacher. Her stick was growing rather weak. A few more hits, oh dear, she didn't even want to think about that. Sure, she had back up weapons, but this fight was all about the _sticks_. There simply wasn't enough room for her to toss in a knife or two. Unfortunately, this caused TenTen's self esteem, already at an all time low due to her awareness of her canonical status, to officially leap off a bridge. Wasn't this practice supposed to be about _her_? Was she really expected to just step back while the guys clumsily flailed around their sticks? Was Guy _mental_? Neji and Lee preferred to get physical. This wasn't for them. A stick smacked into her ribs. Her side throbbed, and she felt a little dizzy. Anger was beginning to set in. Who cared if she was the most unimportant of the Konoha Nine? Who gave a shit about Guy's rules? Weaponry was TenTen's specialty, and goddamn it, she was going to use it.

A few minutes later, her teammates were groveling on the ground. "TenTen, what the hell are you doing?" Guy yelled, eyebrows at his hairline.

"I think I won," TenTen said. I have a feeling that I would be friends with this girl if she were, you know, real.

"That wasn't the point!" Someone turned up the volume on Guy's voice box. It wasn't me, I swear. You'll just have to wear earplugs for the time being. Sincere apologies for the inconvenience.

"What?" screeched TenTen and Neji, forming a ninja power chord. Lee met Guy's eyes. Guy nodded.

And then the practice was over.

And then John was a zombie.

I couldn't resist. I'm not a zombie if that makes you feel better. I was just kidding. Really.

Therapy

(Kakashi Is Getting Too Old For This)

"Guy?" Kakashi sighed, glancing up from his bowl of soup to find his friend standing sheepishly in the doorway. "You're over eighteen. You can't be here to complain."

Guy cleared his throat.

Having a bit more respect for his close friend than his students, Kakashi resisted the urge to grab his book. "Well then. What's going on?"

"I tried to help Lee!" Guy burst into tears. "But I don't think it worked! I'm pretty sure that Neji didn't even notice Lee's hints, and they got beat by _TenTen_! The least developed character of the whole series! Can you imagine?"

"TenTen won?" Kakashi chuckled. "You're lying."

"I'm not lying! I only had them fight with sticks so Lee could get his message through to Neji, but then she got mad for some reason and beat them all to the ground! And not even with sticks! I couldn't even tell what she was using! Kakashi, you have to believe me!"

"I don't know," he mused. "TenTen winning is just too insane. I can't even picture it."

"But she did! And she ruined everything! I've been trying to get those two together for years, but she just screws everything up!"

"How? She's a young ninja. Young ninjas don't, excuse my language, screw much of anything."

"You don't understand!" Guy turned away, his teeth clenched. For a few minutes he stood motionless, and then without warning, he whipped around and pointed at Kakashi, shouting much too loudly, "You don't understand how it feels to have to watch such a horrible love triangle!"

"You have no idea," Kakashi said. "Oh my god. You have no idea."

Of course, you all are aware that the next story will be the one you've been waiting for. Team Seven's introduction will allow the plot to advance, hopefully, unless the editor insists on more filibuster chapters while she negotiates with the author. I have to say, I'm glad that I'm just the narrator. We get all of the extra time to, I don't know, do parkour or volunteer at homeless shelters. Not that I do any of those, but at least we have the option, and that's all that matters, right?

I got a little off track there. I apologize. Ah, yes, so the next chapter will bring us to the _main _characters of our source material, and perhaps a semblance of a plot. Maybe I'll throw some aliens in there, for rebellion's sake. Or bears. Everything's better with bears.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: I hope that this wasn't too vulgar. If things are little confusing, just ask and I'll edit this with an explanation.

I realized that the link didn't work when put in the story, so I'll just drop the love chart into my profile, okay?

As always, thank you for reading!


	5. Ramen

Ramen

(In Which John Finds Himself Frightened By a Fictional Character)

There comes a point in each ninja's life when they must deal with an admirer, usually a young child or girl foaming at the mouth, who has an odd compulsion to tag along on all adventures that said ninja embarks on. Frankly, though, this happens quite a bit in real life and not only with poor, defenseless ninjas, much to all of our dismay. A kind term for this epidemic could be "hopelessly devoted," but most people would be comfortable calling them "stalkers." In my humble opinion, I would say that this is a more frightening development in the Naruto-verse than the awful haircuts sported by nearly each male member of the CVDS. Bad haircuts, while they are by no small measure traumatic, are completely overshadowed by the sheer fright that a stalker manages to manifest.

Naruto glanced behind him, and his blue eyes widened with a fear usually reserved for bear attacks. "_She's here_."

"I know," Sasuke whispered back. It was moments like these that made him remember why he'd wanted to slaughter the whole village.

"I guess she could come to lunch with us," Naruto said through clenched teeth. Thanks to Sakura, he rarely found himself with any time to spend alone with his best friend. The resentment had been growing exponentially lately, but he was still trying his best to be kind to his abnormally pink haired friend.

Sasuke gagged. "_Naruto_, really?"

"She's our teammate," the blonde said weakly. "She wasn't so bad until you came back home."

Sakura skipped along behind them, humming loud enough to drown out the two boys in front of her. Her mind was in all out warfare. She was torn between which one's ass to slap. Of course, treating them like a couple of B-grade strippers was a perfectly legit way to win both of their hearts. I don't really understand why she decided to behave like _The Bachelorette_. I assume that it's the editor's favorite show, which would explain everything, though I can't imagine why the editor would be interested. The men are so hideous; really, it's like watching my high school reunions.

"Until _I _came back?" Sasuke hissed. Neither of them seemed to realize that Sakura would be unable to hear them even if they spoke at a normal volume.

"Yeah," Naruto swallowed. "She only followed me around half of the time back then."

"Does that make me the other half?" Sasuke wondered aloud, wincing as the words slipped out. He promptly forgot his previous line of dialogue-sometimes his medication made his judgment and memory a bit hazy.

"Sure, pal," Naruto grinned and clapped a very confused Sasuke on the back. "We can share the, er, following."

They stepped into Ichiraku Ramen, and Sakura slid in after them. They each took a seat at the bar, and Sakura sat down beside them. I honestly would've whacked the girl like she was an oversized piñata (See Chapter Two) by then, but somehow the pair managed to order two massive bowls of ramen without attacking her.

God, I can't stand ramen. If only Konoha had a nice little Starbucks or pizza place, I'd defy the script in a heartbeat and send your CVDS off on a little excursion to a restaurant of my choosing. I wonder how Konoha's economy is doing with only one fun-sized bar/ramen shop and a tea shop in its city borders. It must be hard to generate cash in a ninja oriented city during an omnicidal maniac recession. They should just go rob some banks over in Suna, since I really could care less about those people frolicking around in the desert, and I'd hate this story to become some sort of poverty drama. How do you narrate romantic hijinks when everyone's worried about when the soup kitchen's going to open up? It's impossible, really, and so just as a warning to you all, I will forcibly create all manner of high profile crime for these hormone-addled adolescents to participate in if they are in need of an extra thousand dollars. Yen. Whatever. Currencies aren't important in, er, romantic comedies. I guess I have learn to accept the genre.. Man, I did _not _sign up for this.

"Hi," Sakura smiled, leaning back on her stool beside Sasuke. "How are you guys?"

"I'm good," Naruto replied.

This conversation is boring. Until things steam up a little bit, we're going to take a brief foray into the kitchen of Ichiraku Ramen, okay? I'm sorry if you were enjoying the small talk, but I was choking on my yawns and had to do something about the horrid dullness Team Seven can occasionally slip into.

"Ayame!" Sasaki shouted, stirring a boiling pot of ramen. "Look out the window!"

"Is he there?" Ayame turned the faucet and ran to the window. "Oh, my god, it _is_ him!"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Sasaki rolled her eyes. "I've only lied to you a few times, and it was just for fun, honest."

Ayame pressed her face to the window. "He looks so smart!"

"You're in love," said Sasaki with a smirk.

Face still smashed against the glass, the self-proclaimed loveless woman snapped, "No, I'm not!"

"Fine, you're smitten then. How old is that guy, anyway?"

"I don't know!" Ayame said, not a little defensively. "I don't even know his name!"

Outside, the boy leaned over and whispered something to his friend, a morbidly obese guy with a lion's mane of flaming, well, brown hair. The friend's eyes swiveled to Ayame, and she shivered. She was certain that she had never seen the fat guy before, and she had no idea why he was glaring at her with such intensity. A sudden shudder came over her.

The ground began to shake. "Quick, Ayame! Get back to work!" Sasaki's voice rose an octave. "The boss is coming!"

"Right." Sasuke stifled a yawn. "That movie sounds so _interesting_."

"I just love romantic comedies!" Sakura gushed.

You wouldn't like them so much if you knew that you were _in_ one, would you Sakura? There's too much dialogue in this chapter and not enough narrative for me to fill in. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a Stephanie Meyer novel. If I were to fill in the gaps in the awkward conversation, though, it would sound a bit ridiculous, something like this:

"So what were you and Naruto doing today?" Sakura asked, and took a long sip of her lemonade. She couldn't eat around her teammates. If she tried, her breakfast would swirl around and eventually come bursting out her throat, which would be wholeheartedly disgusting for her and all of the patrons of the ramen shop. She'd never be able to live it down.

Naruto wished for a bottle of sake and gave Sasuke a prolonged glance. He slurped his ramen. Cleared his throat. "Well, we were thinking of just going over to my apartment and watching movies or something."

Sakura thought this over for a long time. A doubt was planted firmly in the folds of her brain, and she voiced it unabashedly. "But there's only one movie theatre in Konoha!"

"The narrator was wrong." Something is going very, very wrong inside this story. "Only orphans get personal TVs. The city can't really afford social security checks, so they just give us televisions."

Hold up. I'm flipping through the script right now, and something is disturbing me greatly. Are these characters _sentient_? Did the editor get rid of my narrator immunity? Is this the script to a television show, and the improvisation just got added back in? Oh, _fuck_, I'm sorry for the language, really, I sincerely apologize. I'm just a little bit nervous-that's all. I'll have word with the editor once I finish narrating this chapter. There's not much more to go, and I apologize for that, too. It's a rather short segment this time. I know that I promised plot and all that, but I suppose that the editor's editor, otherwise known as The Author, had a major change in plans, particularly plans involving me.

Oh, right, I was showing you how much more awkward the dialogue got when I added in more narrative. I actually prefer it this way, now that I think about it. It's almost as awkward as watching an office romance. I saw a particularly nasty one in which the boss had a harem of nearly all the women, including the cute secretary-this was a long time ago, Marie!-and was banging them all in the back cubicles. Somehow, none of them caught onto his schemes, and were all confused by the events later in this paragraph. You can imagine how much of a shock it was when all of the office males found out what was going on. Actually, it was more of we realized the office goings on when all of the women became pregnant at the same time, and when they had their kids, all of the babies were all born smoking a cigar.

Okay, I promise I'll go back to the awkward conversation.

Sakura ignored Naruto's comment. It was just too weird for her. "So, Naruto, Sasuke, would you mind if I came to watch movies with you guys?" Sakura asked, cocking her head to the side. "I don't really have anything to do for the rest of the day, since there's no, you know, crazy people with cleavers running around."

"He forgot to take his meds that day!" Naruto snapped.

"That was you?" Sakura's green eyes widened as she stared at Sasuke.

"It's okay," Sasuke muttered. He was getting better now, though he was really wishing he had a bottle of sake. A few months on medication, intense therapy, and human company that did not wear nurse uniforms was speeding his mental healing process. He still had lapses, sure, but he couldn't remember to take his pills all the time! Well, I can, but Sasuke couldn't. He had other things to think about, other things to regret, like not telling Sakura to fuck off earlier in the chapter.

Sakura winced. Naruto and Sasuke paid for their ramen. Sakura cringed. She really had been looking forward to seeing a movie with them. Naruto stood up, and Sasuke quickly followed suit. "Later, Sakura," Naruto shouted.

"Bye," Sasuke said. The pair quickly weaved their way through tables, darting out the door without so much of a glance behind them.

"Bye," Sakura smiled halfheartedly, wishing for a glass of sake, and weakly waving goodbye. "See you later."

Therapy

(In Which Kakashi Puts Up With Too Much)

"Oh, hello, Sakura," Kakashi grumbled. He was almost done with the newest Icha Icha Paradise novel. It was ghost written by Jiraiya himself. The eroticism levels were over 9,000 in this edition!

"Sensei!" Sakura cried, falling to a heap on the floor. "I'm a strong ninja, right?"

"I suppose you could say that." Kakashi didn't look up from the riveting shower sex.

"So why can't I just choose between Sasuke and Naruto?"

"I don't know." Oh no, Yuki just walked in on Rika and Toshio! "Why are you so enamored with both of them?"

"Well," Sakura's face lit up, and she continued, "Sasuke's just so dark and mysterious. I've wanted him to hold me since I was ten years old and-!"

"That's really sad," said Kakashi, channeling your narrator's thoughts.

"Thanks," she snapped, standing up and brushing herself off. "I'm going to go drown myself now."

"Have fun with that," Kakashi said, mind worlds away.

"I'm going to murder Neji and steal his hair."

"That's great, Sakura."

"I'm going to burn your book."

"Get out."

Oh my god. I need a drink.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: <strong>I drew up a new love map that is more legible, has better artwork, and a picture of Jonathan. The link will be on my profile this afternoon. Thank you for reading!


	6. An Unexpected Complication

An Unexpected Complication

(In Which John Eats Questionable Food and The Story Goes Insane)

If you aren't excited for this chapter, I will drive over to your house and beat you over the head with a spatula. Yes, my dear audience, I will be _that _angry. I know, I know, I know. You have a right to be a bit irked with me, and I do admit that I lied just a little bit. The last chapter was just another introduction of more yawn inducing romantic subplots. You'll all be pleased to hear that this segment, while it has no shortage of awkward sexual tension, will be a bit of a departure from our previous chapters. Let me grab a snack, and we can get started. Please excuse the wait.

We will begin with a brief overview as to what each member of our CVDS-**C**ast of **V**arying **D**egrees of **S**ympathy for those who do not remember-was doing during the events of this chapter.

Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha were lying on Naruto's bed, watching a cheesy Sci-Fi foreign film. Naruto had had to get it smuggled in from the outside, though I can't imagine why anyone would put in so much effort just for a copy of _Chainsaw Girls From Outer Space: THE SEQUEL_. When I banged my head on the keyboard, I did not hit caps lock. I'm not that much of a dunce. That's just the real title. You can cry for humanity now.

Sakura Haruno was sobbing into her pillow and listening to the ninja version of The Smiths. She was very upset, to state the obvious, but she was not depressed enough to listen to the overly whiny ninja bands that screeched their emotions in awful falsettos. They seemed to be all the rage in Suna. Thankfully, she had not fallen far enough to rely on those particular musicians. This made her feel a little bit better about herself.

Choji Akimichi was stuffing his face with cherry pie. He had not had a good day. That lady at the ramen shop had _dared _to stare longingly at Shikamaru! That was _his _job! He had almost been angry enough to barge into the building and sit on the bitch. The thought of being sat on by Choji struck fear into the hearts of ninja, civilians, and people reading this story all over the world.

Shikamaru Nara was watching clouds. One of them vaguely resembled a penis, and another resembled a silhouette of a furious Ino. He wondered if it meant anything important, and then dismissed the thought.

Ino Yamanaka was on a date with the boyfriend of the hour, F. He was a few years older than her and carried an air of intoxicating mystery. Unfortunately for him, though, he was an incredibly dull conversationalist, and Ino promptly dumped him and turned to the boy behind her. We'll call him O. He was slightly less boring.

Shino Aburame was being Shino Aburame, so I really have no idea what he was up to.

Kiba Inuzuka had been frolicking indoors all day, impatiently whiling away the time until his rash disappeared. He hadn't seen Hinata in three days, and he was sure she had spent all of that time with her ex boyfriend, Naruto. It made him want to punch a tree, but not a door. He was well aware of the consequences. He'd be on his last strike, and one more would force me to make him suffer terribly. His punishment would have something to do with coke bottles and Hinata's virginity.

Hinata Hyuuga sat on a bench outside of Naruto's apartment building. She had finally worked up the guts to confess her mostly unrequited love, but when she saw him walking up the sidewalk with Sasuke, all of her confidence was washed away. Hinata had an illogical fear of audiences, particularly when they were around for her more personal moments, and an even more particular fear of having Sasuke as an audience. The vibes he sent her way were less than pleasant.

Rock Lee had just bought his a bottle of sake, and he grinned to himself. The preparations for the Team Guy party were nearly complete. Neji was going to enjoy this.

Neji's smile spread across his face. His hair was so beautiful, and he had never felt quite so gorgeous. His hair glistened to brightly that it had transformed his head into a living disco ball. I haven't seen hair so shiny since 1995, and that was only because my ex girlfriend liked to bedazzle her cornrows. And so naturally, Neji was feeling on top of the world and exceedingly powerful.

TenTen was attempting to pen poetry, but all of her efforts were horrible, and not in a good way. Not only did she have the least battle wins of any of the CVDS, but her writing was awful, too. She tore up her efforts and went to sleep at 4:00PM. The editor demanded that I give you guys an excerpt of one of her poems:

_Nobody acknowledges me_

_Not even when I won that spelling bee_

_Not even Neji and Lee can see_

_That I just want them to acknowledge me_

_Goddamn it this poem sucks. _

Yes, TenTen, it does.

Now we turn to the protagonists of this particular tale, Sai and Ayame. The pair had dated briefly and remained good friends, and they frequently spent time by a pond in the forest. Ayame refused to step into the water, rightfully so. It was full of _fish_. Fish is almost as bad as ramen-so I completely understand where she's coming from. Besides, pond swimming? Please. I'd rather swim in a _kiddie pool_. At least toddler pee doesn't bite.

The pond, so originally named Konoha Pond, was the setting for the events of today's story. Sai and Ayame rested on the banks, chatting idly. I really don't understand why they would meet at a pond. There were plenty of better spots in Konoha, like the, er, movie theater? I suppose that they didn't have much of a choice.

"So there's this guy," Ayame began, plucking a blade of grass and twirling it between her fingers. The grass did not approve, and so she sneezed.

I must apologize. I'm feeling a bit off today; you can blame it on Marie. She's a horrid chef, no offense to her, of course, and I mistook one of her burnt creations for chocolate cake. I may have to leave and puke my guts out, but if I do, she will take over for the remainder of this chapter. I just hope that I can make it through the more dramatic parts. If she gets a hold of those, oh dear, I don't even want to think about it. She doesn't even know there's a script.

"He's not me, right?" Sai asked. He had no interest in dating his good friend; truthfully, he was only curious.

"No!" Ayame snorted. A brief romance had bloomed between her and the socially awkward artist the summer before, and though they had remained good friends, he was nine tenths of the reason she had sworn off love. "I don't even know his name!"

"What does he look like?"

"He's tall, and he's tan," Ayame sighed dreamily. "He always has his hair in a ponytail…"

"Oh, Shikamaru?" Sai cocked his head to the side. "I bet that-!"

"No penis jokes right now!" Ayame snapped. Her tone switched abruptly as the newly discovered name swam through her mind. _Shikamaru_, _Shikamaru_, _Shikamaru_. It doesn't even have a nice ring to it. Whatever. I am seriously nauseous right now. At least I'm not a seahorse-then I'd probably have morning sickness, hahaha…. Sorry, not funny, I know.

"Have you ever talked to him?"

"Well. Um. I've asked him for his order. Does that count?"

"No."

"Then no. I haven't spoken with him."

"That's pathetic." Sai began to peel off his shirt, providing minimal fanservice for the nonexistent passerby.

Ayame rolled her eyes. She'd seen him in less. I'm glad I haven't.

"Aren't you going to swim?"

"No," she snorted. "I've never swam in this pond, and I never want to. I hate getting my hands dirty."

"Swim."

"No."

A moment passed. "Well," Sai beganahjkds…

John'll be back for the next chapter. He's in bed right now and refuses to eat any soup. I don't think I'm a lethal cook, and my meat loaf most certainly does _not _look like chocolate cake. I will have to have a word with him about this.

I'm not sure what's supposed to happen next. John's sleeping right now, so I can't ask him. I just got off the phone with my niece, though, and her endless ramblings about her new video game have given me a few ideas. Shit-oh, sorry about the language-I don't even know these characters. Unlike my husband, I'll try to keep my own commentary and opinions as far from the story as possible. I don't have much time before work. I'll try to keep this short.

Sai pulled the poor girl from the ground and tossed her into the pond. She flailed in the water, her eyes growing wide. Her splashes were feeble. Years of busing tables and living off ramen had left her with a frame of glass and a heart of stone. "You didn't say that you can't swim!" his voice rose an octave. His grey eyes widened.

Forgive me if I mess up some details, such as character appearance and personality and major plot points. I am completely clueless when it comes _Naruto_. Ninjas are not my forte. I prefer poetry.

"Now you do!" she squeaked. Her head dove under the algae, only to bob back to the surface. Air swirled into her lungs only to be cut off once again. It was a cruel trick, this drowning game, this sinking and surface breaking. She was growing weaker. Her arms dragged, her kicks were decaying, like the flesh of a corpse. I need to stop reading Edgar Allen Poe. Whoops.

"Just climb out!" Sai's feet were rooted to the earth. He couldn't move, he couldn't help, oh god, oh god, what was he to do, what _could_ he do?

"There's no ladder! I can't get my hands dirty!"

"Fuck the ladder!" Sai screamed.

Her head had sunken. A faint trail of bubbles streamed to the surface for a minute, and gradually petered off. Frogs croaked. The cicadas sang. Sai sank to his knees and cried.

I'm sorry, I really would've liked to spend more time on this, but I have to go to work. John'll just have to deal with this. I hope his editor doesn't fire him, but the chances of that are slim. Spend time with your kids, read a good book, remember to put ladders on all bodies of water or be smart enough to climb out, don't lose your way, and have a good day.

Oh, I found a note by John.

Sai got chased away from the scene by a bear.

Sorry, that was the best way I could think to include what was on the post it. Oh dear, I'm late for work. I'll be polite, though, so again, have a great day!

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>: There will be a bit of a wait for the next chapter.. I'm stupidly busy and internetless for the next week and a half. On the upside, I'm going to officially be a year older in two days. That's a plus, right?

I hope everyone got the blatant reference. :D

Thank you for reading!


End file.
